Co-regulation is a powerful tool for supporting children to navigate behaviour

When asked what aspects of working with children challenge them the most, many early childhood education and care (ECEC) professionals will say one word – behaviour. 

 

While most understand that all behaviour is communication, many educators, particularly those who may be newer to the sector, struggle to know HOW to meet the sometimes changeable and ‘big’ feelings they encounter from children during the course of their work. 

 

Between heightened emotional responses, difficulty managing frustration, and complex behavioural needs, educators find themselves wondering how to ‘weather the storm’ while also giving children the skills they need to ‘ride the waves.’ 

 

With so much time spent in a variety of ECEC settings, the team at hey dee ho are no strangers to these ‘storms’, and see lots of different professionals, children, and setting types in the course of their work. 

 

“One of the things we say at hey dee ho is ‘practise doesn’t make perfect’ practise makes permanent,” hey dee ho Director Jenny Wilkinson said. 

 

“If a child hears someone sing out of tune to them over and over again, they will do the same.” 

 

The same is true of language, emotional responses, and relational habits. Children absorb the tone, cadence, and emotional energy of those around them. If they are consistently met with calm, respectful, and warm interactions, those ways of being become their default.

 

This is why co-regulation matters. When educators speak kindly, hold boundaries with compassion, and model deep breathing or grounding techniques, they are not just managing behaviour — they are shaping the child’s internal world.

 

What is co-regulation? 

 

In simple terms, co-regulation is “a shared state of calmness” between individuals. When it is done well, co-regulation can help children to identity and reduce their stressors, and help them shift from unhelpful ways of coping (such as physically lashing out, or running away) to more restorative ways of coping (such as talking about their feelings, taking some deep breaths, or finding a safe space to occupy while the feeling passes. 

 

When children have access to caring, attuned adults it can help them navigate and manage big emotions. Long before a child is able to self-regulate, they rely on the adults around them to model, soothe, and co-navigate feelings such as anger, fear, excitement, and sadness. In essence, co-regulation means lending our calm to a child in distress.

 

Educators who are able to remain grounded and responsive during times of upheaval offer children the blueprint for how to manage stress. This skill is especially critical in today’s environment, where young children are entering early learning settings with increasingly dysregulated nervous systems.

 

A changing landscape 

 

Many educators report an increase – particularly since the pandemic – of children experiencing dysregulated behaviour. Increased meltdowns, difficulty with transitions, spikes in impulsive behaviour and resistance to routine are all common elements in educator discussion.

 

Rather than being behavioural aspects to be managed, these are signs and symptoms of a generation of children under stress, something many researchers attribute to an increase in ‘screentime,’ particularly when children are very young.

 

While technology offers many benefits, too much passive screen engagement can displace the vital interactions that help children develop social, emotional, and language skills. When a child spends hours in front of a screen instead of engaging in play or face-to-face communication, the brain pathways that support self-regulation, empathy, and connection are underdeveloped.

 

Additionally, families today are juggling more demands than ever before. Between work, extracurricular commitments, and the general pace of modern life, quality downtime is often scarce. This ‘busyness’ leaves less room for slow, connected moments — the kind that regulate a child’s nervous system and allow them to feel safe and secure.

 

The role of early childhood educators

 

Against this backdrop early childhood educators are no longer only facilitators of learning — they are fast becoming anchors in a child’s emotional world. But this role comes with immense responsibility and, for many, emotional fatigue. 

 

While experienced educators often have a toolbox of strategies for de-escalation and connection, newer staff may not yet have developed these skills. Without support, they may default to the parenting styles they grew up with — approaches that may not align with modern relational practices.

 

Educators need opportunities to deepen their understanding of nervous system science, trauma-informed practice, and the power of calm presence, and they also need simple, effective tools to use in the moment.

 

The value of music, movement, and creativity

 

One of the most powerful ways to support children’s emotional regulation is through rhythmic, creative, and sensory experiences. Programs like the music, yoga, and the creative arts ones provided by hey dee ho’s experienced presenters offer opportunities for children to move through big feelings in safe and structured ways. 

 

These experiences help settle the nervous system, build self-awareness, and promote a sense of joy and mastery.

 

Over the past year hey dee ho has been updating programs to include opportunities to help children identify and understand the different emotions they may be feeling. 

 

Some of these methods – such as the ‘how do you feel today?’ theme – are overt, but most are incidental. For example children roaring like lions to work through big emotions like anger or frustration, or jumping like monkeys when happy or excited. 

 

Hey dee ho’s programs are presented in a dramatic fashion with songs and activities presented as part of a storyline, and throughout the session, feelings and emotions being experienced by characters in the story and characters are discussed incidentally.  

 

For example, after singing Incy Wincy Spider, a presenter might say something like  “Poor Incy Wincy Spider – how do you think he felt when he got washed down the water spout? Maybe he was sad or frustrated? He was also resilient, when he tried again.”

 

There are also opportunities to discuss what emotions actually feel like – for example when we are nervous or a bit unsure of something, we might feel like we have ‘butterflies in our tummies.’ 

 

Depending on the dynamics of the session, this conversation can be a precursor to moving into a mindfulness song or activity. 

 

In the moment tips to boost regulation 

 

The biggest thing educators can do when confronted with behaviour which challenges them is to stop, take 2 big breaths in, and then respond from a place of calm. 

 

Beyond that, here are five ‘grab and go’ ways to co-regulate with children. 

 

• Name it to tame it: Acknowledge the child’s feelings, and help with some words to name what is happening. 

 

For example, if there’s a struggle with transitioning from one activity to another, or one moment in the day to another, an educator might say something like “You were enjoying your time outside, and it’s hard to come inside now that Mum is here.” 

 

• Match the tone, don’t meet the volume: When children are in an extreme state of response -be that very excited or very distressed, matching their tone and energy in a muted way can help. 

 

In a situation where a child is angry because another child has taken a toy from them, validating their anger and frustration can be supportive. They might say “I see that you’re mad, I think I might be mad too, if that happened to me.”

 

• Identify and support: Sometimes big feelings are driven by confusion. Statements like “I heard that loud noise, too! That was the rubbish truck driving by. Let’s see if we can see it outside” can demystify the cause of the upset, as well as helping the child to develop ‘detective skills’ the next time they are faced with a similar provocation. 

• Redirect – but at the right time: Rather than distracting the child with something new – which can be invalidating – educators can consider waiting for the ‘emotional storm’ to recede, before redirecting them to something new. 

 

It’s helpful if the ‘something new’ is similar to what caused the ‘storm’, and helps them to meet that need. 

 

For example, if the ‘storm’ was caused by a friend not wanting a hug, a redirect may be helping to move some big cushions around the learning space, and giving them a big squeeze along the way. 

 

• Stock the toolkit: Staying close and being a warm, safe presence can be very helpful in managing big feelings. When educators are able to sit close to a child post ‘storm’ and take a few deep breaths, relaxing their own body, it demonstrates, in a non verbal way, that they are ready to help the child to do the same. 

 

Having ‘caring adults’ of their own, like the facilitators from hey dee ho, who come into services with fresh new energy, engaging and well researched experiences, and a warm and welcoming presence, can help educators to reset, to lose themselves in fun and creativity, and to take some time out of their busy days to be present with children. 

 

Would you like to learn more about how hey dee ho can craft this type of atmosphere in your service?